Hello, beautiful people. From the title, you can see that I am going to talk about something pretty serious. Something that I’m sure other moms can relate to but probably don’t talk about it: Post-Partum Depression, better known as PPD. I did a video on my channel two years ago opening up about my condition. However, three years later after having my little one, I kind of still feel like I did before. Granted, it is not all the time but I have my days.
As a mom, you want to make sure you are the best mom ever. Women are blessed with such a responsibility and it is something I refuse to take for granted. Knowing I have a little human that depends on me to lead her, teach her, feed her, and etc., it brings great joy to my heart. Yes, children are blessings and the joy they bring to your life is unexplainable. But every day isn’t peaches and ice cream. Although I know I am a great mother, I have my days when I feel like I’m not doing enough. I watch and am subscribed to a lot of mommy and lifestyle vloggers/bloggers. I must say they make motherhood look so flawless and amazing. Not saying it isn’t but I’m sure they have their days too lol.
* Random but it inspires me to see them take their kids to Paris, LA, and other parts of the world. Exposing them to new things so early in life I’m sure they will thank you that later in life. That’s what I want to do and continue to do for my little one. She has been to almost 20 states and 3 countries so far in her and she is only 3 years old.
There are times when I wake up before my kid. I always make sure she is taken care of before I take care of myself. Like, there are times when I dress her up nicely but I will dress regularly because I don’t feel like dressing up. There are times when I want to take her here, buy her this, enroll her in this, but the bills keep coming. I would clean the whole house and then two hours later, it is a mess again and I feel my hard work went down the drain because of my little monster.
Now that my daughter is three, she is becoming independent and wanting to do things on her own and honestly, it makes me sad. Knowing she can use the potty, wipe herself, flush AND wash her hands on her own, she wants to play with her toys by herself at times, even when I ask for a kiss and she doesn’t feel like it kind of makes me sad inside.
I know this is all over the place but that’s how I feel internally sometimes, emotionally all over the place. Those are some of my feelings as I am watching my daughter grow up beautifully. But internally, I haven’t been the same since giving birth. The newborn stage wasn’t as bad people made it seem. I was a night owl from being in Graduate School so the lack of sleep didn’t bother me at all. Still, internally I didn’t feel the same. I am such a positive and happy person. Even when life would get in the way at times, I would count it all joy and keep it moving. Now, I sometimes let my emotions and life get the best of me at times and causes my thoughts to go elsewhere.
It has gotten to point where I started feeling like a failure because I’m not where I want to be in life “career wise”. I can’t run to the store and buy my daughter the newest and biggest playset for the backyard. I’m a stay at home mom. I’m not making as much as I was when I was working my regular job so I’m low key hurt about that. At times, I feel like nothing has worked out the way I wanted it to. It’s like I’ve gained this guilt upon myself. I feel like I am disappointing my daughter because I’m not where I want to be at in life.
To be honest, it hurts. It hurts to feel this way because not once do I hear out of my daughter’s mouth, “mommy, you’re not doing enough”, “mommy, you never do anything for me” or anything of that nature. I always hear things like, “I love you, mommy. You’re the bestatest mommy ever” “I love praying with you, mommy” “I love your makeup and hair, mommy.” But even hearing those things, I still have my moments. There are times when I just stare out my living room window praying and waiting for these feelings to go away.
Heck, there are times when my husband has to check on me just to make sure I’m not laying in bed staring at the ceiling for hours feeling depressed. I had to open up to him about this because he has noticed a change in my attitude and he always knows when something is wrong. But he has been super supportive and very encouraging nonetheless.
As a new mom, I am doing my best. I’m not perfect but one thing for sure is that I go above and beyond for my baby girl. I want her to have the best life ever. I don’t want her to look back on her childhood and wish she had another mom to do this or that. See these are the odd feelings I feel at times and it’s just weird. It hurts sometimes because I don’t have a reason to feel depressed. I have health, strength, a roof over my head, food in the fridge. The bills get taken care of. We have gas is in our tank and God on our side. I guess I just want so much for my little one. When I don’t get it or have a chance to do it, I feel like a failure.
Slowly but surely, I will be completely free of this madness. Post-Partum Depression is more serious than people think. I’ve heard of moms killing themselves because of PPD. It is a mental illness that goes unnoticed. As moms, we have this standard that we try to meet because we desire to be a great mom. But in reality, being a mom is a tough job. It is not for the faint of heart. But real moms that take care of their responsibilities and do all that they can to make sure their home and kids in order are the real MVP. So, if you have experienced PPD or are going through it right now, you are not alone. It’s more common than you think. Some people have it worse than other but you are not alone.
It is something beyond our control but it will get better. Our little ones depend on us. Yes, we get frustrated at times. Of course, we go in a corner and cry at times. And yes, these emotions are real. But this job as a mom only makes us stronger and our kids better. And they will thank us later for the sacrifices, love and moments we gave them earlier on in life. As I stated, I will get through mine as well. Through praying, journaling, taking a day to take care of me and seeking a balance in my daily life is helping me through this. I may not have the dream job that I want, but I have the best job in the world. I am a mommy. Money comes and go but being a mommy is forever.
I pray that whenever I do have another child, it is not as overwhelming as this journey has been. I’m not going to pray for it to get easier. I pray that I’ll get stronger to keep my thoughts and feelings positive and know that I am doing the best I can. Let me know your experience down below!